Sunday, March 06, 2005

Day 3 in Hell and you're all invited!

Ok, you don't have to come to Hell with me, but I finally figured out how to change the settings on this damned blog so everybody can leave comments now. But if you plan to leave a comment telling me what an insane bitch I am, save your time, I already know. If you'd like to leave a comment offering me money, what are you waiting for? Just do it already!

So, anyway, this is Day 3 with no cigarettes and things are going really well! Oh wait, that's a lie...I AM IN HELL!! I went grocery shopping yesterday and almost jumped an old lady for her smoke. There's a really nasty guy I always see in the laundry room of my apartment building who constantly reeks of smoke. He's fat, dirty and looks like he hasn't showered in about a year. We'll call him: Comic Book Guy. I'm tempted to go down there and stick my tongue down his throat just so I can lick the excess nicotine off his teeth.

And this Nicoderm Patch? It can bite me! When I was at the drug store, the pharmacist warned me that the patch might "alter my dream patterns". I just kind of nodded and went on my way because what the hell does that mean? Well, now I know. For the past 3 nights, I've had the most bizarre, vivid dreams! I'll have an extremely vivid dream, then I'll wake up every 20 minutes. And the cycle repeats itself all night. What the fuck?

"This product releases controlled amounts of nicotine into your sytem. Also, you might get some traces of LSD, but pay no attention to that."

So I'm exhausted. The lack of smoking, combined with the Mystery Illness, combined with the restless nights is torture. Although, in one of my dreams, Wal-Mart had brought back the old Intellivision game system and was selling them for only $11.99! I was really pissed when I woke up before I got to play Snafu.

Oh, the Nicoderm system also comes with some helpful suggestions for those who are quitting smoking:

If you feel the need for a cigarette, try drinking water. - What crackhead wrote this? In what way, shape or form is drinking water going to help? Yes, maybe if you pee an extra 20 times a day, you'll forget about the fact that you would kill your own grandmother for one drag.

Quitting smoking doesn't mean you have to gain weight. Instead of smoking, try snacking on healthy things, like carrot sticks. - Whoever came up with this idea can take his carrot sticks and stick them straight up his rooty-poo candy ass! Carrot sticks are evil. When I went grocery shopping, I bought cookies, a chocolate cake, ice cream, nachos, honey-roasted peanuts and potato chips. And I plan on eating all that junk until my head starts spinning around and I start projectile vomiting. Suck on that, carrot stick man!

Avoid your favourite smoking areas. - Great, now I have to leave Earth and go start my own new civilization on Uranus. (Heh. Uranus! That will never stop being funny to me.)

Keep your hands busy. - Uh, won't I go blind?

And this is my personal favourite:

If you feel like you really need a cigarette, ask yourself what is really bothering you and then tell someone about it. - I'll admit it. You know what's really bothering me? I want a fucking cigarette!!!!

I also really want to play Snafu. Damn you Nicoderm!