Monday, March 14, 2005

10 Days And Counting

So, here I am. Day 11 with no cigarettes and I'm still alive. More impressively, I haven't killed anyone else!

I'm tempted to cheat every second of every minute of every day. Every time I leave my apartment, it's a struggle not to go into a store and buy a pack of smokes. When does this shit start getting easier? I still crave it just as much as I did 11 days ago!

I almost cheated yesterday. I wanted to cheat yesterday. I tried to cheat yesterday. But I couldn't go through with it.

As usual, these damned Nicoderm patches keep giving me restless nights and waking me up at ungodly early hours. I, by nature, am not a morning person. I despise mornings. But, as much as I try to will myself to sleep most of the day on weekends (Less time awake means less time craving cigarettes), I keep waking up at 7:00 a.m. or earlier. So yesterday I wake up at about 7:30 a.m. I get up, annoyed, do my laundry and it's still only 8:45 a.m. So I decide to go grocery shopping.

By the way, for those of you who have never gone grocery shopping right when the store opens, I highly recommend it! The aisles are practically empty. The bread is so fresh, it's still warm. And, the best thing of all, there are no stupid little children running up and down the aisles. Parents really need to keep those things on a leash!

Anyway, I do my grocery shopping but, because it's so early and the store has just opened, there's only one check out line open and it's the Express Line. The line where they sell cigarettes. Ugh. I keep thinking that I'd be fine if I could just have one smoke. Just one! Not a whole pack...just one! So I convince myself that I can just buy a small pack, have one smoke, and put the rest of the pack away. (Yeah, as if that would happen.) So she starts ringing in my groceries and I also ask her for a pack of smokes. For a brief second, I'm thrilled at the fact that I'm going to get to have at least one drag.

But then something weird happens. I start to get this weird feeling. This really weird, overwhelming feeling...of guilt! GUILT! People, I don't feel guilty for anything...ever. I was raised by a Jewish mother. I'm immune to guilt! But there it was.

So I quickly tell the woman behind the counter to nix the pack of smokes. She kind of gives me this strange look. I guess because I said it so suddenly and adamantly. So, of course, I start babbling about how I'm trying to quit and I almost cheated and I'm sure she really cared. But she just smiled and said: "Good move!".

So I left the store and went back to my apartment where I plopped down on the couch and immediately wished I had bought the pack of smokes.

Oh, and for those who care, the Mystery Illness has been just as bad, if not worse, since I quit smoking. So I guess we'll see what the doctor has to say about that when I go back in a few days.

Like I said, when does this shit start getting easier?