Sunday, April 03, 2005

A Bump In The Road

29 days.

That's how long I went without a cigarette. Twenty nine days. You would think I would have broken the habit by then. You would think the cravings would have become far less frequent. You would think it would have become easier.

29 days. That's how long I went before I fell off the wagon.

I was watching a movie last night and every character was smoking in every single scene. Before I knew it, I was throwing on my coat and running across the street to buy a pack of smokes. I kept hoping I would change my mind on the way over but there was no time. For once, the elevator came to my floor within seconds of me pushing the button. For once, there was no line up in the store. There wasn't a time where I had the chance to stop and think about what I was doing, so I could talk myself out of it.

Sad, isn't it? I made it through the first few days of withdrawal symptoms. I made it through the stress of nearly getting evicted. But a stupid movie (which sucked, by the way) is what pushed me over the edge.

The first cigarette tasted disgusting. The second one, not as bad. Now it's just like old times. I tried to tell myself to just throw the pack away but I couldn't bring myself to do it. After all, I don't have money to waste. If I paid $8.00 for this pack of smokes, I'm smoking them! It's amazing how quickly I've fallen back into my old routine. Smoking after a meal. Smoking as I watch tv. Smoking as I type this. It's like the past month never even happened. Like I made no progress whatsoever. It's funny, I never thought of smoking as an addiction until I tried to quit. I always thought of it as simply a bad habit. I guess you just don't realize how addicted you are to something until you try to give it up.

I can't wait for them to be gone. I feel miserable. I feel like all the struggling I've done for the past month has been for nothing. I'm disappointed in myself and I feel like I failed. And the sad part is that, even though I'm so angry with myself, I've really missed smoking. Life is so much easier when I'm not trying to quit. I guess that's the sign of a true addiction.

But, tomorrow is a new day. There are 4 cigarettes left in this pack and I will NOT buy another one tomorrow. Tomorrow morning, I'll stick one of those damn Nicoderm patches back on my arm and get back on the wagon. The big question: will it be just like starting all over again? Is it going to be just as difficult as when I first quit a month ago? Or was this simply a bump in the road and I'll be able to pick up where I left off? Not that where I left off was easy either. But it was definitely easier than a month ago. I guess we'll find out.